In 2020, I did a placement at the Hackney Migrant Centre for my Masters in Migration and Diaspora studies. I wrote this reflective essay exploring my time working there. I found myself re-reading some of my previous essays hoping to find some gems for my dissertation that I am currently working on. Reading this back struck in me the same emotions I felt when I was writing it. It is a long read (about 3000 words) but I wanted to share it. Enjoy
“Today was my first day at the Hackney Migrant Centre and I walked out crying, I don’t know how to feel or how I am going to face my colleagues next week.
***
I came in nervous this morning, not knowing what I was getting into. My day began with a morning briefing with the team of staff and volunteers, I was then assigned to shadow an experienced advocate for the day. We worked with one elderly Nigerian lady for the rest of the day. We first began by gathering her details and her reasons for coming to the drop-in centre, she then waited downstairs whilst we discussed how we could help her. Time passed and it soon became 1pm, we went down to have lunch that was cooked in the community kitchen by volunteers, during lunch I sat with her and conversated. After lunch she met with advisers, lawyers, got any forms filled in for medical care and was given food vouchers, emergency funding and personal hygiene products. She was around the same age as my late grandmother, a lovely lady with a soft demeanour and a beautiful smile. She was homeless, living with no money, not knowing where her next meal would come from, yet, she was content. She had been under the government radar for 20 years now and was happy to finally appeal for citizenship under the 20-year long residency visa route. Spending the day with her; I chatted about life, family, and food, I had felt the need to make positive light-hearted conversation. When she was met with bad news countless times throughout the day, I tried to lighten the blow, make it seem as though I was with her, she took the news with an awe-inspiring patience. She said to me at the end of the day “it doesn’t matter, I’ve waited this long, I can wait a few more months”, she left with none of her problems solved but with hope; hope of stability and hope of a future. She wanted to work, earn a living and become a legal citizen.
At the end of the day we had a debrief session where the staff and volunteers came together to discuss their days work. I was told “we know this can be heavy work, we don’t want anyone to leave heavy” – I didn’t realise how heavy I was feeling. When it came to my turn to share, I broke down, I tried to explain the weight I felt on my heart but couldn’t do it in words. I felt overwhelmed with my privilege, my fluidity to work, to live, to know I have food on the table and a roof over my head, humbled by her patience and tear-stricken by how her warmth felt like my grandmothers. I wanted to make sure she was ok. I was touched by her kind soul and her content heart with Gods decry, I felt underserving of my privilege, I felt ashamed. The smile that I held the whole day came crumbling down”
I kept a diary of reflections throughout my time on my placement at the Hackney Migrant Centre (HMC) in 2020, the above was from the first day of my placement, reading back over these have provided me with valuable insights into my thoughts at the beginning of my journey and how this developed overtime. This entry demonstrates how shaken I felt and a sense of vulnerability in myself that was heightened through my first experience of working directly with migrants, this account is a stark contrast to how I have come to cope and understand my thought process. In this reflective essay I will discuss the structure of the HMC, how certain mindset shifts have taken place and how this relates to existing research.
The HMC was established in 2007 to advance the education and relieve the financial hardship amongst migrants and to preserve and protect their mental and physical health. In 2020 this ethos has evolved into a weekly drop-in centre for refugees, asylum seekers and recent migrants of any nationality or immigration status, offering social support and free professional advice on immigration, housing, welfare and health (Hackney Migrant Centre, 2020).
The drop-in clinic takes place every Wednesday and only admits 20 clients at each time. The day begins at 9am however, clients arrive as early as 3am, camping out in front of the doors to ensure they are admitted into the first 20. This number is frequently surpassed, and individuals are turned away in the masses each week. Witnessing the sheer number people and their desperation to enter the centre highlighted to me the need for this service and the current state of the UK in relation to migrants needs. Once they are admitted into the centre, they a taken care of for the rest of the day, given tea, coffee, snacks, one-to-one support, served a hot wholesome lunch and given emergency care, finance and housing where possible.
Throughout my time at the HMC I regularly heard praises for its services, clients would return to volunteer, send their friends and family for help, gain citizenship, become independent and get on with their lives happily. I saw first-hand the integrity that people were given once they entered, thought was put into every aspect of their lives, they were provided with ongoing support, they stayed informed with client’s wellbeing and made sure that people were not forgotten. The HMC in my experience is a testament to how helping migrants can be done successfully. I was particularly impressed by meeting the founders and trustees as they volunteered with me side by side each week; seeing them working with me gave me reassurance in the genuine and people driven ethos that the charity began with.
My role at the centre began by shadowing experienced advocates as they consulted clients. The consultation process could take up to 2 hours depending on the size of the case and the level of communication of the service user. Each case would then be discussed with the manager and handed over to an adviser, any further paperwork that was required for the client would then be completed by an advocate in the afternoon. After 4 weeks I began to conduct the initial assessments and tasks independently.
Prior to starting the role, I was told I would have advocacy training, this; however, did not take place and once the corona virus pandemic took place this training became less of a priority. This drawback impacted the confidence level of myself and the other volunteers who were yet to be trained. The training would have consisted of understanding basic law, legal terms, government guidelines, policy and how to use the new technology that was put in place to input data. To begin with; I found the consultation and advocacy tasks overwhelming, my first few independent consultations I was frequently asking for help, clarifying terms and how to manage the new system. My confidence grew overtime however; I felt ill-equipped and lacking in ability and this in turn impacted the quality of service that the clients received (Guhan and Liebling-Kalifani, 2011). I did not gain the full depth of my placement experience due to this factor and my progress and efficiency was impacted.
The feeling of being overwhelmed stayed with me through my first few weeks, this feeling was brought on from my lack of training and seeing the helplessness of the clients. In a research study of people who worked with migrants Guhan and Liebling-Kalifani (2011) found that “they often spoke about the enormity of the work, feeling overwhelmed by their difficulties, from immigration issues to clients having no money, no access to basic necessities, trauma, exploitation etc…”. Reading over this study provided insight that related to my own experience and bridged the gap between the theory and practice and the reality of the work that we study.
I further found myself struck by my position as a person of colour. Clients that came to the HMC were predominantly Black, Asian and Arab and were served by predominantly white workers and volunteers. When receiving clients in the morning I was met by faces that were happy to see someone visibly of colour, Asian, Muslim and adorning the headscarf, I was met with a sense of familiarity by those who saw me in a sea of white faces. Clients would go out of their way to talk to me and ask to be consulted by me, they would open up about their problems without hesitations, call me ‘sister’ and ‘daughter’, they appeared to feel as though they had one of their own on the other side. The feeling was mutual, I felt as though these were ‘my people’, I found myself going above and beyond to help and assist to the best of my ability and exhausted all my efforts (Guhan and Liebling-Kalifani, 2011). I instantly developed rapport and relationships with many of the clients; I took on their emotions and trauma wholeheartedly and felt that this was a key aspect of my work considering the sensitivities of the discussions.
In addition to this, I found myself also working as a translator for clients who could not communicate in English with my mother tongue Bangla; this brought down the professional barriers and personalised the relationship between me and the client. I felt useful in being able to use my language to help those in need; however, made it difficult for me to professionally address concerns without personal judgement and opinion. Using my mother tongue created closeness, an intimate connection and made the client feel like family. When discussing trauma and distress with them this had a heavier impact on me because I had let them into my personal domain unintentionally (Century et al, 2007). Managing professional boundaries became difficult when clients wanted to stay in contact beyond the HMC for help and support, the HMC policy was to not share any personal information or contact clients personally however, at times I felt conflicted, hearing of the service users suffering and being made to feel as though I could help beyond my professionally capacity.
In Guhan and Liebling-Kalifani (2011) research they discuss the ‘emotional rollercoasters’ that workers felt they were on in this line of work, constantly being pulled up and down through the lives of others, this ‘rollercoaster’ having lasting impacts on their mental health, stress, and anxiety levels. Baird and Jenkins (2002) highlighted the negative impact secondary exposure to trauma can have on workers and the psychological distress it can cause. Clients having experienced the trauma first-hand had time to collect their thoughts on matters and allow the dust to settle; this in contrast to the staff who were hearing these matters for the first time and internalising what was heard as a fresh traumatic incident. Some clients would speak about trauma in a frank state, emotionless and dissociated with the enormity of what was being shared, this further aided in the second-hand trauma caused due to the sheer exposure of the unfiltered experiences shared with little emotion (Century et al. 2007).
The role of the advocate was beyond simply consulting and administering the clients, some clients had no one to share their problems with or a shoulder to cry on, we acted as councillors and therapists. These roles were intertwined because of the nature of the work, however, as advocates we were not trained therapists or practitioners, we did not know how to help them through these issues nor was that our role (Century et al. 2007) (Trivasse, 2004). This was another layer to the role that was not addressed within the HMC, people were assumed to have compassion, know how to interact with those in distress and be able to console them in a professional manner.
Reflecting on my first diary entry, I felt a sense of heaviness and guilt that remained with me for some time, I would take home with me the pains of others, think about it throughout my week, question why certain things happened to some and not others, I regularly cried to myself and teared up when clients shared their stories and struggles. I became emotionally drained, this; however, soon changed quite drastically. I began to harden, I cried less, cared less and felt less. I became desensitized from the process and saw the days work as a job. I was unaware of this change until I found myself feeling emotionless when a client cried and shared trauma to me that would have previously made me crumble. I began to feel as though my humanity was beginning to wither. When exploring the literature for this I found this process of desensitization was commonly experienced by many professionals in similar fields, desensitisation was a process the mind would actively initiate in order to help someone face hardship, gradually sending signals to the brain overtime to help a person cope, a mechanism to allow the human brain to adapt for survival (Guhan and Liebling-Kalifani, 2011). Reading this validated my experience and comforted my feelings of confusion of my own humanity, this thought however left me unsettled however, bridging the gap between theory and practice made me question the prospects of a future in this field and how it may begin to change me as a person.
The HMC addresses the heaviness of this line of work by having a debrief and sharing sessions at the end of the day however this in my opinion is ineffective method. After my first ‘awkward’ session crying in front of strangers I had little enthusiasm to return to the sessions and frequently tried to leave before them; whilst also noticing other volunteers trying to do the same. I acknowledge each individual is different, I am aware of my personal sensitivities but as policy they should have a designated professional or person who is available for an informal chat throughout the day or a breakout space away from workspace and clients to recoup. I would frequently stand outside to get some fresh air as the space would feel suffocating. In a conversation with my manager addressing my sadness, he said to me “I often have a good cry at least once a month, after that I’m ok and I carry on”, hearing this from him consoled my concerns of loss humanity when being exposed to second-hand trauma overtime. I felt that this line of work required people to feel the pain of other, and to be reminded frequently of their privilege in order that we use it to help others.
I had a unique position during my placement where I frequently felt like a ‘fly on the wall’, having less of a workload at times I became aware of smaller structural systems within the centre which made me question inequality through behaviour and broader structures within society. I found myself questioning my thoughts, emotions and position; which provided me with a critical lens to my placement experience.
When entering the HMC I was very aware of myself, aware that I was a person of colour amongst the white employees and volunteers. The layout of the centre consisted of a waiting room and communal eating area downstairs and the consultation space and offices upstairs. The centre had a few BME volunteers that worked downstairs in the kitchen or helped with childcare. I became aware of how I felt in both spaces and how the colour divide between upstairs and downstairs became increasingly vivid to me. I was more comfortable downstairs, talking with clients and spending time with them than I was upstairs where at times I felt out of place. I became increasingly critical of the general system where the POC were helped and the white people were the helpers, clients ‘happiness’ seeing me was because there were not many like me in my position. I felt a strange sense of underserving privilege being on the other side that I am unable to articulate, and I didn’t know why this reality made me angry. Throughout my placement I questioned these inequalities and the anger I felt at being a minority in a country where ‘my people’ are disadvantaged and struggling. Moving forward I had to work on turning this anger and frustration into productive action.
In addition to broader structures and I also I became aware of behaviours during lunch and the inequalities that it produced. When beginning the role; lunch was emphasised “as a time to eat with the clients together and treat them as equals and to humanise the interactions with the migrants”. I took this practice on wholeheartedly, it was my favourite time of the day and a time where I found release, service users appeared to enjoy my company and embraced eating together as equals. Staff and volunteers however did not sit with the clients often, either sitting on a separate table altogether or taking their food upstairs.
Food became the object of many politics, food was cooked during the morning by volunteers, I saw food being rationed to clients in small bowls, they were denied second servings if they requested it and on occasion if a friend or family member of a volunteer came and was given extra food this became an object of disagreement. I was further appalled to find that when food was cooked; staff and volunteers food were pre-served and put away on larger plates, when I would come take my food I would notice clients look at my large portion in comparison to their smaller bowls, this acknowledgment made me feel sick and disheartened by these practices. To my knowledge this practice began because food would run out by the time some staff members would come down to eat, lunch however was an added benefit to the role and not a necessity for us. For me and many others we had the means to buy our lunch, we were not the priority but were made to feel as though we were. As many of the migrants were short of money; food was a major lure to the centre, previous clients would come back just to have the hot lunch, some staff members would turn them away, I often overheard comments stating someone was there for food and discussions of how to get them to leave; this was particularly hurtful for me to witness. My observation of the politics of food at the centre was one that unsettled my state, a basic human necessity that produced hierarchy and inequality. I understood that there were limitations to what they could offer and their resources, this awareness however in those moments did not matter to me.
Although this reflective essay has been critical of my time at the Hackney Migrant centre; I must acknowledge the growth and positivity that it has birthed within me. The work carried out at the centre was extremely rewarding, I felt euphoria when someone was granted citizenship or given good news, I was constantly state of limbo between of sadness and happiness. People felt they could rely on the centre to help them and see through them through their difficult times. I also developed an increased sense of gratitude for my own livelihood, the blessings I had, my family and my faith. (Guhan and Liebling-Kalifani, 2011).
Overall, the bridge between theory and practice was crossed during this placement and my experience at the Hackney Migrant Centre was one of personal development. Before this placement my engagement and understanding of migrant’s experience was minimal. This experience brought the reality into context and ignited a passion and drive in me that I was unaware of. The placement was an emotional rollercoaster of self-discovery, I grew in resilience and saw positive changes in my daily life. This positive change has had an immense impact on my mental wellbeing and my empathy for others, for migrants, for those that work with migrants and other professions that require emotional labour. I hope to continue this journey of development and self-discovery, working in this field has made me want to do more and equip myself with the skills to use my privilege to better the lives of others.
Century, G., Leavey, G., and Payne, H. (2007). The experiences of working with refugees: Counsellors in primary care. British Journal of Guidance & Counselling, 35, pp. 23–40.
Guhan, R and Liebling-Kalifani, H. (2011) The Experiences of Staff Working with Refugees and Asylum Seekers in the United Kingdom: A Grounded Theory Exploration, Journal of Immigrant & Refugee Studies, 9(3), pp. 205-228.
Hackney Migrant Centre (2020) What we do. Available at: https://hackneymigrantcentre.org.uk/about-us/ (Accessed: 27 June 2020)
Baird, S and Jenkins, S. R. (2002). Secondary traumatic stress and vicarious trauma: A validation study. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 15, pp. 423–432.
Trivasse, M. (2004). Brief work with asylum seekers. Counselling and Psychotherapy Journal, 15(2), pp. 13- 15.